I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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