This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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