There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
