he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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