I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Randomize
