i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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