Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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