If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
