i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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