I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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