He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
