He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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