watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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