We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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