Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
