Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I understand Curling. That high.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
