Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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