We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
