apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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