Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
