I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
