I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
