Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
