"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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