What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
