STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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