Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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