Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
