Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
