I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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