Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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