Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
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