Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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