I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
