yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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