You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
