I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
