ya dads aren't the best wingmen
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
