I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
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