I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
