I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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