i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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