So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
