I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
