i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
