so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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