Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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