Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
