If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Randomize
