we have pet lesbian snakes
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My penis needs a shock collar
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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